Chaos > Control

Chaos > Control

I am probably the worst about telling people to not worry about the future because Jesus knows exactly what you need, and then I go home and freak out about my own future. That's easy to do though isn't it? We are human. We want to know what to expect and how to prepare for what is to come. I don't know about you, but when I am at home I LIVE by my planner. My poor planner knows every thought I have during a single day. Sometimes I even put meal times on there... But that is apart of my humanly nature of wanting to have control of everything. 

Planning from the Beginning 

When I was a freshman at Wofford, I had already created an appointment with the Office of International programs to talk about my semester abroad in Chile. You heard that right. I planned initially to go to Chile and that later turned into a plan for Argentina. For three years, I mentally prepared for a trip to Argentina. I even did Zoom calls online with people from Argentina who are trained to help students prepare to speak the specific Spanish of a certain country. Although I loved traveling, moving to a country that doesn't speak my own language seemed scary, so I did everything in my power to control all of the pieces I could. 

Curveballs

I know better than to do that though because often, as soon as you begin to start controlling the little things in your life, a curveball gets thrown to you. The day that I found out I was chosen for this incredible scholarship, all of the plans that I had been controlling, quickly crumbled away. Instead of going to one country, I would be going to four. Instead of Argentina, I was going to the Dominican Republic. Zero. Control. 

I remember a very specific night on my bed in my dorm room where I fell apart in tears. I was overwhelmed by my classes and by the planning of this trip. I was also just overwhelmed by how gracious Jesus had been to me. I didn't feel deserving of such a blessing. I was stressed because I knew I wanted to go to Asia during my research trip, but I didn't know where the best location would be or how it would logistically work. There was no guide book for where I should choose, and there was no way I could control the outcome of my choice. I remember writing in my diary, "I know one day I will look back on this moment and realize that everything worked out so beautifully." I wish I would have allowed that to bring me peace in that moment. The next morning, with guidance of many wise people, I chose to travel to both India and Thailand. Little did I know that choice would change my life for the better. 

Realeasing Control

When you travel to developing countries, you are often forced to let go of control. You don't know how anything works, time doesn't work the same, and you normally can't even understand what people are saying to you. The planner goes out the window, because if you used it, you would be erasing all the time. However, I find that on days when I am really tired, or missing home, I pull the planner back out. 

Last week I felt very out of control. I was missing hugs from my mama and I was stressing about things I cannot control. If you look at my calendar from last week, you can physicially see the attempt to control everything. I planned out every minute of my days. But you know what? That actually made me feel so much worse because in reality, me controlling when I do each of my assignments doesn't change the fact that life is sometimes just a lot.

I don't know about you, but I LOVE to find the positive in everything. So I never want to say I am having a hard day, especially when I am getting to do something as awesome as traveling the world for 8 months. But last week, I was reminded that no matter where you are in the world, there will be hard days. Not every day is what you see on Instagram. Not everyday is full of adventure and fun. Some days you are tired, just like at Wofford. 

Lead by Transparency

Our culture in America is always go, go, go. Don't stop because you won't be productive. Get dressed and put on makeup everyday. Always smile and tell them you are doing well. Don't let anyone lnwo you are tire, just drink more coffee. Can I let you in on a little secret? The few people I have met in this world that I admire most are the ones that I have had conversations with like this:

Me: "Hey! How are you doing?"

Them: "You know what Margeaux I am actually having a really tough time."

Guys, that is real. That is the most admirable thing ever to me. Someone who can say, actually, I just need to rest today. I still love to be positive and joyful for most of the time, but I also want to leave space for my soul to feel. Are you letting your soul feel? Maybe you feel overwhelmed or unseen. Maybe you are mourning from something that happened a long time ago, but it feels silly. Maybe you are just run down and tired. Maybe you are feeling called into something new, but it seems scary. I'm here to remind you that no matter how awesome things are going, or how difficult they are, you are ALLOWED to feel. You are allowed to take a nap or walk for clarity of mind. You are allowed to cry. You are allowed to ask for support. You my friend, are human. As humans, we can't control anything except for how we love ourselves through the unknown. 

So maybe today feels hard, but i can promise you that soon, you will look back and say "Wow. That worked out more beautifully than I could have ever imagined." Live this beuatiful life knowing you are on a path to victory. You are doing what you are supposed to. And if you feel like you need to change paths, I pray you will have the courage to do so. You deserve victory.

“Do not grasp at what cannot be held; instead, breathe through the mystery, and let your heart feel its way across the unknown.”

Sending hugs!!

Margeaux